Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Parking Sharks

I love the holidays, Christmas most of all. I adore the decorations and the music and the sales. (Especially the sales...)

What I don't love are the parking lots--full of competitive people jockeying to get the closest space so they don't have to walk an extra hundred feet. And the pedestrians--arms loaded down with packages so that they can't see where they're going and then throw in the additional distraction of hyper children tweaked up on sugar and adrenaline. It's a recipe for disaster.

Parking Sharks are in their natural element this time of the year. The other day a Parking Shark leaned out her window and yelled at me because I was walking in a cross walk (too slow, I suppose) while holding the hand of my two-year-old, trying to shepherd her to safety.

"Watch where you're walking!" she shouted.

"Hit me and I'll own your ass, bitch! Bodily injury liability on a minor doesn't end until until two years AFTER they turn eighteen!" 

(Mrs. Snark used to work in insurance.)

Parking Sharks are those people who are willing hold up ten cars behind them on an aisle because a little old lady with a walker is inching her way along the row. You know the sort. No one else's convenience or time matters but their own.

The pedestrian may not even have a car parked on that aisle and is still in the process of locating their vehicle, but this parking shark will spot a likely target leaving a store, 500 feet away, and hit the brakes to wait. On the chance that the pedestrian happens to pass them, then the Parking Shark will throw their vehicle into reverse and attempt to back up rather than allow their prey to escape.

I don't believe in the death penalty, but for Parking Sharks, I'm willing to make an exception.

In high school, I had friends who used to troll Parking Sharks for the hell of it. (Never me, of course.)

The objective was to leave a store holding a set of car keys and head down an aisle until the dun-dun dun-dun dunnnn music began, alerting one to the attachment of a Parking Shark. The bait walked slowly down the aisle, shuffling his feet until the end of the aisle had been reached. Then he darted to the side and ran like a madman, leaving the trolled Parking Shark far behind.

Ahh, Merry Christmas, Mrs. Parking Shark.


  1. Being in a wheelchair, I have seen the worst of the worst when it comes to parking sharks. People who will zip into the handicapped parking spots, not even realizing what they are doing or what a difference those spots make for people like me, and those who have to help me.

    1. There should be a hotline for phoning in those people. Maybe a phone for snapping license plates beside the spot and a ticket generating machine...

  2. Here's the thing... There are almost always spots further away from the doors. The Parking Sharks are probably going to be walking around the mall for the next couple of hours, right? So really what's a little more walking. Its good for you! And if not into exercise, then might I suggest one stop only: if the PS don't already have a computer, they need to go to the nearest computer store, buy a laptop, and shop on-line. Shopping done, no extra walking, and not a $$ spent on gas. (Then again, if they don't have a computer, I guess they aren't reading my suggestion.)

    1. Hi Charlotte,

      Thanks for stopping by and posting. :-)

      I actually like to shop and I have a couple reasons for going beyond the social aspect. First, there are some things that I like to see/touch before I buy them. The other is that I like to spend money in the local economy (creates jobs, etc). I do buy some things on line but usually only video games.