Miss Bear's Mer-stake

It's never good when your four-year-old comes downstairs and announces, "I made a mer-stake in your bathroom."

Dumbfounded, I stood there--proverbial deer in headlights.

Mr. Snark had the presence of mind to ask, "What sort of mer-stake?"

Miss Bear tilted back her head and said, "I'll show you."

Hearts filled with dread, we followed our precious daughter upstairs to discover the toilet had overflowed.

WATER. EVERYWHERE.

I flew into command mode, directing Mr. Snark. "Quick! Go get towels and a plunger."

Then I started bailing with the closest disposible container I could find, a paper cup. While Mr. Snark was off on his mission, Miss Bear moaned and crossed her arms. "Oh no, I broke the potty."

"It's okay, Miss Bear," I said. "We'll get through this."

"I hope we can fix the potty."

"Daddy is an expert potty fixer. No worries."

And we did fix it and get it cleaned up.There's one thing I've learned since we had Miss Bear...the child is a creative genius when it comes to new and innovative disasters and mess-making.

And life is never, ever boring.

Miss Bear's Prime Rule

Now that she's four, Miss Bear is expected to dine with the family and eat what everyone else eats. Quite often, this doesn't sit so well with Miss Bear's sense of entitlement. In her mind, Miss Bear is owed certain privileges. 

The other night we were having lasagna and she refused to eat.

Mr. Snark was well aware of the situation. To reinforce the point, I delivered the standard lecture about parental solidarity in the face of offspring opposition.  Once they divide you, you're dead.

So a couple hours later, Miss Bear she went to father and said, "I'm hungry."

"Why don't you ask mommy to make you something to eat?"

"Mommy's mean."

"I'm mean too."

Miss Bear took his cheeks in her little paws and stared deep into his eyes. "I have one rule in this house. You can be nice, but you can't be mean."

Over my protests, Mr. Snark made Miss Bear dinner.

Fear-based book sales

Earlier this week, a nice, respectable author who happens to enjoy talking about her son, got accused of exploiting her child to sell books.

Recently, another author wondered what would happen if authors used fear-in-advertising to sell books...

So I speculated about what it would look like if you crossed those two things. This is what I got:

BUY MY BOOK OR THIS CHILD WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO RIDE A PONY!!!!!!*

*My publisher isn't associated with the buy-a-book-so-Miss-Bear-can-ride-a-pony campaign...

The Generation Gap or I have no idea what the fuck he just said...

I turned into my mother today.

It started out simply enough.

My middle son said, "Mom, I want a game off Steam. I feel I earned it helping out with Miss Bear last weekend."

(I'm hip because I know what Steam is. It's itunes for video games.)

I said, "I agree you earned it. Tell me what you want and I shall present your request to Mr. Snark, Guardian of the Steam."

The boy popped a potato chip into his mouth. "No time to explain."

I sat there, expecting him to hurry off, but he ate another chip, masticating at his leisure.

"What do you mean you have no time to explain? You're standing there eating chips."

He rolled his eyes. "I want paper please."

"We have a ton of paper. We don't need to buy more. Go over there and open that drawer."

The child wandered off. 

I relayed the entire bizarre conversation to Mr. Snark. "I don't understand a thing the boy says anymore."

"I kinda want paper please too," Mr. Snark said.

"We have a ton. Get it yourself."

Random Snark: 21st Century Daddy Problems

Heard shouted from the family room....

Mr. Snark:  "Miss Bear, stop putting My Little Pony stickers all over everything!"

Paging: Dr. Bear

Miss Bear turned 4 this week. We had her party at the park with bubbles and a child-sized hamster ball. She received many neat toys, including a Just Play Doc McStuffins kit. Since then, Dr. Bear has treated all of her dolls and the cats.

 

This afternoon, Dr. Bear walked up to her daddy, carrying her new toy.

Mr. Snark: "What are you doing?"

Dr. Bear:  "Looking for patients."

Mr. Snark: "Go find your brother. I heard he's not feeling well."

Dr. Bear: "Thanks!" ((scampers off))

It's a Mystery: The 4th Snark Child

Miss Bear to Mr. Snark: "There's a mess in the family room."

Mr. Snark: "Really? A mess? Who made it?"
Miss Bear: "Hmmm..."

She actually draws this sound out for a really long time...

Miss Bear: "...mmmmmmmm... It's a mystery!"

Miss Bear turned 4 today and I came to a startling realization--there is actually an invisible child living with us who leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor, shoes scattered throughout the entryway, and doors wide open. He hits his brother when I'm not looking and steals candy without permission.

I'd been aware of something being amiss for some time. I've made inquiries without success.


Mrs. Snark to the boys: "Who left the milk on the kitchen counter?"
The Boy: "Not me!"
Middle Child: "Not me!"
Miss Bear: "Hmm...it's a mystery."

Mrs. Snark growls in aggravation. "Was it 'Not Me' or "It's a Mystery'? We really need to settle on a name for your unseen sibling!"

And...

Egads...

It just occurred to me--what if there's not just one invisible child, but two????????????????


Note from the author:
My friend tells me Family Circus has already done the "Not Me" joke so I wanted to apologize to the creator of the strip. I wasn't intentionally trying to rip off her joke. I simply wasn't aware of it.

Miss Bear's Starman Moment

So, I'm sitting in stopped traffic with Miss Bear in the car seat behind me and she says, "Cars stopped!"

And I said, "That's right, Miss Bear! Red light means stop. Do you know what a green light means?"

"GO!"

"Very good! And what about a yellow light?"

"FASTER!"

MISS BARE

"MISS BEAR! WHY ARE YOU NAKED?"

Mr. Snark's voice roars through windows open due to summertime heat, easily reaching neighboring houses because it is California where structures are built ten feet apart. 

Neighbors outside in their yards turn to stare.

Returning home from a short trip to the grocery store, Mrs. Snark ducks her head, turns beet red, and offers an apologetic smile. "Mr. Snark's insane twin brother is visiting from Crazytown," she says and then slinks inside.

Mr. Snark stands on the landing below the stairs, clutching a tiny pair of pants and shirt. Above him, Miss Bear streaks nude across the second story balcony. She shouts: "Wet!"

At three years of age, Miss Bear has stubbornly resisted all attempts to potty train. Mr. and Mrs. Snark have whiled away countless hours sitting on the edge of the bathtub while Miss Bear perches on the commode. The child unwinds miles of toilet paper. She has books and toys, and she has been promised puppies and ponies, but so far not even a piddle.

"Both of the boys were pee-trained before three," Mrs. Snark says with a long (accusing) look at Mr. Snark. "She must get this from your side of the family."

Mr. Snark's mother confirms: "Mr. Snark was a potty-challenged child."

So Miss Bear continues to wear training pants and runs the risk of preschool expulsion. Meanwhile, this same child who refuses to potty-train, becomes extremely distressed the second her pants get damp. Even a drop of water on her shirt or a blotch of liquid on her pants results in a complete strip-down.

Miss Bear plays in her wading pool and then undresses. "Miss Bear is naked in the backyard!" Mr. Snark bellows, ringing the five alarm bell. No doubt, the man thinks his wee daughter is just a few years from pole dancing at the rate she's going.

"Eh," says Mrs. Snark who spends all day, every day, with the child and has grown jaded.  "It sorta gives a new meaning to 'Miss Bare', doesn't it?"