MISS BARE

"MISS BEAR! WHY ARE YOU NAKED?"

Mr. Snark's voice roars through windows open due to summertime heat, easily reaching neighboring houses because it is California where structures are built ten feet apart. 

Neighbors outside in their yards turn to stare.

Returning home from a short trip to the grocery store, Mrs. Snark ducks her head, turns beet red, and offers an apologetic smile. "Mr. Snark's insane twin brother is visiting from Crazytown," she says and then slinks inside.

Mr. Snark stands on the landing below the stairs, clutching a tiny pair of pants and shirt. Above him, Miss Bear streaks nude across the second story balcony. She shouts: "Wet!"

At three years of age, Miss Bear has stubbornly resisted all attempts to potty train. Mr. and Mrs. Snark have whiled away countless hours sitting on the edge of the bathtub while Miss Bear perches on the commode. The child unwinds miles of toilet paper. She has books and toys, and she has been promised puppies and ponies, but so far not even a piddle.

"Both of the boys were pee-trained before three," Mrs. Snark says with a long (accusing) look at Mr. Snark. "She must get this from your side of the family."

Mr. Snark's mother confirms: "Mr. Snark was a potty-challenged child."

So Miss Bear continues to wear training pants and runs the risk of preschool expulsion. Meanwhile, this same child who refuses to potty-train, becomes extremely distressed the second her pants get damp. Even a drop of water on her shirt or a blotch of liquid on her pants results in a complete strip-down.

Miss Bear plays in her wading pool and then undresses. "Miss Bear is naked in the backyard!" Mr. Snark bellows, ringing the five alarm bell. No doubt, the man thinks his wee daughter is just a few years from pole dancing at the rate she's going.

"Eh," says Mrs. Snark who spends all day, every day, with the child and has grown jaded.  "It sorta gives a new meaning to 'Miss Bare', doesn't it?"