The Mystery of the Missing Fish

Miss Bear has a Siamese Fish. It is blue and lives in a bowl in the kitchen. She got it for her birthday last year. She likes it a lot but I take care of it.

On Friday night, Mr. Snark returned to bed following a downstairs excursion. I was sound asleep, so obviously, he thought it was an appropriate time to drop a bomb.

Mr. Snark: "Do you know that the fish isn't in his bowl?"

Instantly, my eyeballs popped wide open. Mind going a million miles an hour, I shook his arm.  "If he's not in his bowl, then where the hell did he go? It's not like he went out for cigarettes and never came back! Are you sure you just didn't miss him?"

Mr. Snark:  Snore

I remained in bed for a couple minutes, having one of those He's-Got-To-Be-Kidding moments. He had to be screwing with me. It sounds like just the sort of thing Mr. Snark would think is funny at 1A.M.  The other possibilities were that he had simply suffered from a bout of MPB or I'd dreamed it.

After failing to return to sleep, I sprang out of bed and dashed downstairs to the kitchen. Upon throwing the overhead lights on, I discovered the following at the scene of the crime:

• an empty fishbowl
• a splash of water
• a torn aquatic plant leaf beside the bowl
• a glass bead from the bowl on the tile.

The house was locked and the Snark boys were away for a sleepover. Miss Clio had refused to come inside, leaving the following residents inside the premises: Mr. Snark, Miss Bear, myself, Jake the Snake, and Bolt (the new kitten).

I'm going to assume that no human ingested Miss Bear's fish as a quick midnight snack.  And the new kitten is too small to jump up onto the counter where the bowl was placed.  Either a cat ate him or an unknown fishnapper broke into our home without any sign of forced entry and abducted him.

My primary suspect at this time:

The empty bowl is still sitting on the counter. I still haven't told Miss Bear. My options seem to be going down to the pet store and buying a new fish or continuing to pretend to feed an invisible fish. What do you think I should do?

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Gizoogle translates Male Pattern Blindness

tha milk

Mista Muthafuckin Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Snark: "I can't find tha milk!"
Mrs. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Snark: "Therez a gallon jug behind tha inch-high forty of tabasco sauce. Look straight ahead."
Mista Muthafuckin Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Snark: "Huh. Oh, yeah. I peep it"
Mrs. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Snark: "I don't peep how tha fuck you could have missed dat shit."

Do dis exchange sound familiar, biatch?  What nuff couplez do not realize is dat dis thug behavior is indicatizzle of a much pimped outer ailment.

What tha fuck iz Male Pattern Blindness?
 Male Pattern Blindnizz (MPB) is defined as tha inabilitizzle ta locate a object lyin up in tha open n' up in plain sight; objects which is often located easily by a biatch. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  While most often associated wit adult men, Male Pattern Blindnizz be a cold-ass lil common problem fo' malez of all ages.  Da term "oblivious" was once loosely used ta imply tha same condition.

How tha fuck common is Male Pattern Blindness?

Male Pattern Blindnizz is mad common. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  Although most

chicken n' gravy biatch

99.99% of all pimps between tha agez of 18 n' 120 have some degree of thug pattern blindnizz (classified as mild, moderate or severe).
    At least 1 up in 10 pimps cannot perceive anythang at all (complete MPB).
    Da majoritizzle of causez of thug pattern blindnizz is menstrual up in nature.
    Da prevalence of MPB increases wit age.


Male Pattern Blindnizz Causes: Psychological/Physical
Psychological factors account fo' bout 90% of MPB problems n' often result from obtuseness, obliviousness, or dependence upon a biatchz mobilitizzle ta find stuff. These factors cause a menstrual blinder ta be erected between tha eyebizzle n' dome, thus resultin up in perception difficulty. Psychological MPB may become self-perpetuating. This can become a vicious cycle which is hard as fuck ta break without assistance.

Physical factors account fo' bout 10% of casez of MPB, n' often result from near- or far-sightednizz or blindness.   Research indicates dat such vision problems is easily erectable followin a trip ta tha eye doctor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.

Male Pattern Blindness' Adverse Effects on Daily Life
A playa wit MPB may experience vibe of low motivation, frustration, denial n' dependence upon his crazy-ass mutha or biatch partner n' shiznit yo. Dude may be unable ta engage up in everyday tasks like fuckin rollin if he is unable ta locate his hoopty keys (or vehicle). Personal n' bidnizz relationshizzlez can be adversely affected if it is left untreated.

Importizzle of Proactively Treatin Male Pattern Blindness
As wit any debilitatin condition, Male Pattern Blindnizz should be treated immediately. Da sooner it is recognized n' addressed, tha mo' likely tha chancez of a gangbangin' favorable outcome. If left untreated, tha condizzle may worsen wit time. Da longer a playa goes without tha mobilitizzle ta function as a perceptizzle individual, tha mo' likely his dome will experience "disuse atrophy".

Often peeped up in pimps over tha age of eighteen, MPB can affect thugs also.  Accordin ta tha Massachusetts Male Perception Study, which was da most thugged-out-comprehensive survey of thug perception dysfunction, MPB affects vast segmentz of tha population. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.  For example:

 English version here

Gizoogle

Male Pattern Blindness

Foreword by the author: Of all my posts, this is one of my first and also one of my favorites. I recently decided to go through my original humor post that don't have proper tags. If you've been with me since the beginning of the Snarkology, they you have probably seen this before. If not, I hope you enjoy it...

 

Mr. Snark: "I can't find the milk!"

Mrs. Snark: "There's a gallon jug behind the inch-high bottle of Tabasco sauce. Look straight ahead."

Mr. Snark: "Huh. Oh, yeah. I see it"

Mrs. Snark: "I don't see how you could have missed it."

Does this exchange sound familiar?  What many couples do not realize is that this male behavior is indicative of a much greater ailment known as Male Pattern Blindness.

 

What is Male Pattern Blindness?

Male Pattern Blindness (MPB) is defined as the inability to locate an object lying out in the open and in plain sight; objects which are often located easily by a woman.  While most often associated with adult men, Male Pattern Blindness is a common problem for males of all ages.  The term “oblivious” was once loosely used to imply the same condition.

How common is Male Pattern Blindness?

Male Pattern Blindness is extremely common.  Although most often seen in men over the age of eighteen, MPB can affect boys also.  According to the Massachusetts Male Perception Study, which was the most-comprehensive survey of male perception dysfunction, MPB affects vast segments of the population.  For example: 

•  99.99% of all men between the ages of 18 and 120 have some degree of male pattern blindness (classified as mild, moderate or severe).
• At least 1 in 10 men cannot perceive anything at all (complete MPB).
• The majority of causes of male pattern blindness are mental in nature.
• The prevalence of MPB increases with age.

 

Male Pattern Blindness Causes: Psychological/Physical

Psychological factors account for about 90% of MPB problems and often result from obtuseness, obliviousness, or dependence upon a woman's ability to find stuff. These factors cause a mental blinder to be erected between the eyeball and brain, thus resulting in perception difficulty. Psychological MPB may become self-perpetuating. This can become a vicious cycle which is difficult to break without assistance.

Physical factors account for about 10% of cases of MPB, and often result from near- or far-sightedness or blindness.   Research indicates that such vision problems are easily correctable following a trip to the eye doctor. 

Male Pattern Blindness' Adverse Effects on Daily Life

A man with MPB may experience feelings of low motivation, frustration, denial and dependence upon his mother or female partner. He may be unable to engage in daily tasks such as driving if he is unable to locate his car keys (or vehicle). Personal and business relationships can be adversely affected if it is left untreated.

Importance of Proactively Treating Male Pattern Blindness

As with any debilitating condition, Male Pattern Blindness should be treated immediately. The sooner it is recognized and addressed, the more likely the chances of a favorable outcome. If left untreated, the condition may worsen with time. The longer a man goes without the ability to function as a perceptive individual, the more likely his brain will experience "disuse atrophy".

To learn more about my writing, visit my website at www.MelissaSnark.com.