Monday, June 17, 2013

Guest Blogger: The Infamous Michy Masturbation Blog

Sex for one. Jacking off. Jilling off. Spank the monkey. Play the skin flute. Play with yourself. Beat off. Brushing the beaver. Choke your chicken. Burping the worm. Batting practice. Shifting gears. Shine your pole. Teasing the kitty. Unwrapping the pepperoni. Jerk off. Jerk the gherkin. Walk the dog. Whack off. Wax your willy.


 Well, if you want more words for it, slang, you can go to Masturbation Cafe and read a list of them. (slightly NSFW) I was surprised and rolling on the floor reading some of the slang used for masturbation and much of it I already had heard. I think, honestly, you can call masturbation anything you want to call it, as long as you use that voice and look down at your crotch and wiggle your eyebrows when you say it. Unless you’re a woman, then you have to blush and giggle after you say it.

It’s some kind of unwritten law or code or something.

“So what IS masturbation?” many of you might ask. As if you don’t know.

I grew up listening to this line in junior high that said there were two types of people in the world: Those who masturbate and those who lie.

I personally fall into the first category.

Yes, you read it here first. The writer whom everyone knows and loves or loves to hate actually has masturbated, at least once in my life. (No, I’m not available for personal ‘book signings,’ [wink-wink, waggle-waggle] if you know what I mean, so don’t ask. [see, told you all you had to do was use 'that voice' and you could call it whatever you wanted.])

Tell, me, honestly, who doesn’t or at least hasn’t masturbated, ever?

EVERYONE has at one time or another. Okay, so some of you weren’t as successful at it as others. Maybe you didn’t ‘get off’. Yes, there are almost as many words for orgasm as there are for masturbation itself, but hey, that’s a totally different blog post (hummmm, making a mental note.)

I mean, come on, if you can’t please yourself, how the heck do you expect to ever please a partner or teach them how to please you? And don’t give me that line about how, “I have a great [insert girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, SO here], so I don’t need to jack off.” Okay, fine. I have an amazing man in my life and have the best sex I’ve ever known, and I do mean EVER, and yet, *BOB and I still occasionally meet for an impromptu rendezvous. We eat, we drink, we breathe, we piss, we crap, and yes, we masturbate… it’s part of the circle of life or something. Of course, if all we do is masturbate, then we don’t have to worry about completing the circle of life or anything, I’m thinking – or rather, maybe I’m trying not to think about that.

(BOB: An acronym that stands for Battery Operated Boyfriend. My apologies to anyone out there named Robert. :: shudders :: Oh, shoot. My dad’s name is Robert. I can’t believe my father made his way into a masturbation blog.)


To top it all off, there are as many ways to masturbate as there are terms for masturbation, and then some. You can use your hands. You can use toys, vibrators, dildos, and the like. You can rub off on things. If you’re like one of my exes, you can use fruit (something about watermelon growing on a vine, hot summer day, 14 years old… [shrug] I didn’t ask for details, but he became known as the Fruit Fucker for a couple years in junior high. How’s THAT for a nickname? That nickname might have a completely different connotation today than it did back in the 70s.)
Hey, you can even, yes, ladies and gentlemen, buy blowup sex dolls if ‘doing’ yourself just doesn’t cut it.


Speaking of ‘cutting it’ (keep reading, you’ll see): Have any of you ever gone to buy a blow up sex doll? I haven’t, honestly. But I have a friend who did. He doesn’t really like to talk about the experience much. Apparently, it’s a very traumatic memory for him, but I did do a bit of research, and do you know why you will see real photos of dildos on sites that sell sex toys, but you will only see the box of the blow up sex dolls, not the actual product?

It’s quite simple. These dolls look ridiculous. No one would buy them if they blew them up.

Here, let me show you.

This is Stephanie Swift.

She’s very pleased to meet you, can’t you tell? Yes, her vagina was so eager to meet you that it’s on the outside of her body now.

Isn’t she purty? She apparently has a hand, vagina, mouth, and anus all ready for you, big boy. Don’t you just feel all shifty and turned on looking at that lump of fake flesh?

Now, my ‘friend’ who actually used one said to pay particular attention to the plastic lines on her legs. Apparently, those things scratch and cut the tender flesh of the penis. Watch out guys. I told you, he said it was a traumatic experience. Last I heard, it resulted in the death of Ms. Swift, but the authorities still haven’t been able to find the body.

As a man in a forum talking about blow up sex dolls said in one of the posts, taken out of context here and not given proper attribution:

 I can’t help but laugh when I think of it though, I would just feel so fucking ridiculous climbing on top of some plastic to stick my cock in it…
 Yet men screw plastic women every day, just most of them don’t have air pressure relief valves or are bought at the local adult bookstore (I said ‘most’.). They are bought, believe me, but in a more metaphorical sense and less literal one. I know a few women who could probably benefit from a pressure relief valve. Their husbands would likely appreciate it too. (I’m gonna have to digress on that one.)

But if that’s not degrading and demoralizing enough, you don’t have to stick with the human species at all. You can have a space fantasy adventure and make love to this hot little number.

Did you know her mouth buzzes and bleeps? See guys, it’s not only earth women who won’t shut up during sex. Now the aliens want to talk about their feelings too, bleep bleep, buzz, buzz. (Although, the buzzing might feel pretty good, but I digress. Yes, even in a sex blog, I can digress with the best.)

Now, as if that isn’t enough, let me bring you back to our home planet, and offer you gentlemen another masturbatory alternative. If plastic and alien chicks don’t fit your dick (see how that rhymes? I am a poet, after all), why not slam a sheep or two, or a pig, perhaps a cow? No, you pervert, don’t go get your car keys to drive to Uncle Frank’s farm, you sick, sick boy. I’m talking about blow up dolls here. 

You think I’m joking don’t you?

 I’m not.
So if plastic women aren’t enough, have a plastic animal or two. If you thought you felt ridiculous mounting a piece of blow up plastic, imagine sticking your most valuable player into the rear end of one of these plastic toys and then hearing, “Moooooo….”

Yes, Mooooo…. the cow has real, live Mooing action, so says the box.

Are you hard yet? All hot and bothered?

How about you women? Any of this requiring you to rush to the bedroom?

I wanna know how the heck you explain a plastic cow in your living room with a realistic detachable vagina?

Can ya milk that thing? :: shudders :: Or maybe that should be: :: udders ::


There are tons and tons of toys on the market for women to masturbate with. That’s likely because they are sold as items that can be used by couples, marital aides some places call them–like a sex toy can save a marriage, ’cause we all know that sex is all marriage is ever about anyway, right? Yeah, right. Sure, though, many couples do like to introduce a little toy play into the relationship from time to time to spice things up. Healthy. Realistic. Normal.


Yet, for the most part, female toys are mostly somewhat penile shaped, and they either rotate or vibrate or you have to manipulate them manually. Battery operated ones, plug into the wall ones, and those that are cleverly sold in department stores as ‘personal massagers’ for your back and neck.
Yeah, right lady, we all know you really use that thing on your neck.

There are toys, dildos, playthings, mechanical devices and simulators that range anywhere from 10 bucks all the way up to the showboat of all female masturbatory devices, the Sybian, which can range anywhere from $1500 – 3500 bucks, depending on options. (

This nifty little masturbatory device is said to be the best of the best in female masturbatory experience, and it must be true, because it’s been on the Howard Stern Show. That man NEVER lies, does he?

Don’t worry guys, they’ve got a Venus for you too.

I suppose that $1500 bucks for a toy so you can get off (when you can do it with your hands for free) is not that big of a price to pay for ‘safe’ sex if you don’t have a partner and want what many women call a “better than the real thing experience”.

It’s cheaper than the emotional turmoil of repeated one night stands with jerks who only want one thing. There’s no strings attached (except the one to the remote control and the one to the plug into the wall).

I don’t know. Would I like to try one? You betcha. Would I do it on live television for the Howard Stern show? Depends on how much he paid me to do it. Howard?

Would I ever buy one? Hell no. $1500 bucks for a fake penis? No, thank you.

Then again, come to think of it, I’ve spent far more money on the real, live versions attached to a real human body and found out all too quickly that there are no refunds, and that the darn things sometimes malfunction, and to make matters worse, I’ve ‘purchased’ a few that had trouble staying inside their pants when other women were around.

Guess I’m not much up on sharing my sex toys.

My point here is, except for the ‘personal massagers’, most women’s toys are pretty clearly marked as sex toys (novelty items for educational purposes only if you live in Texas – yes, Texas doesn’t allow you to sell or buy vibrating penis-like objects for use as sex toys – novelty or educational purposes ONLY. It’s actually against the law. Seriously. More on that in one of my future masturbation blogs. Yes, my masturbation blogs can and will come more than once, guaranteed.)

But men now… oh, that’s a different story. The toys sold for men are much more discreet. I mean, a woman takes a dildo out of her purse, and you are going to know it’s a dildo, right? Although, I did hear that they have vibrating lipsticks now that are a bit more discreet. (Don’t ask me how I know this, but those things don’t vibrate much at all.)

But men, in this one instance, pertaining to sex and masturbation, are actually a bit more clever than you might think. They have a product called a fleshlight, which is a take off of the the modern miraculous device called a flashlight. Aren’t flashlights cool inventions? Yes, this object is made to resemble a flashlight, only, if you screw the lid off, inside, you find an inviting, enticing, ready and willing portable vagina.

I’ve heard they now have some that actually light up too, so that your buddies don’t reach into your tackle box and say, “Hey, Jimbo, I’m gonna change the batteries in this flashlight of yours. It don’t work no more, and I can’t find the beer in the dark.”

Yep. Isn’t he in for a surprise?

If that’s not enough, there’s Vagina-in-a-Can – which is a beer (or soda for the under-21 masturbation crowd) can (a very tall one) that has a fake vagina in it.

So I’m a bit curious. It seems that the standard ‘belief’ is that men are more open and into sex than women are, yet, women’s toys mostly look like penises and you pretty much know they are to be used for sex, and men hide their shameful masturbatory experiences behind flashlights and beer cans?
Humm….. makes one think, doesn’t it?

Maybe my alcoholic ex boyfriend who always had a can of beer in his hand wasn’t really drinking as much as I thought he was? Mike, hon, was it really a Coors Light? I’m not so sure now. Hummm…. he had a lot of flashlights too.

Part Two: Why Michy Has a Bad Back… OR… Oooops, I Dropsied That

In part two of this series, you’ll learn why you have headaches, backaches, and a myriad of other problems, and what you can do to fix them, find out what the Bible really had to say about masturbation (according to some sources), and discover exactly what traumatic masturbatory syndrome (TMS), what some so self-lovingly call a medical condition, is and how it relates to you!
Disclaimer: Michy is not a certified masturbatologist; however, she has tons of personal experience and once played one on TV.

Self-Love and Self-Stuff,
PS: Now, if you’ll excuse me, BOB has been waiting patiently.
PPS: If you like sex, like reading, then why not read about sex? That is, pick up my erotic titles THREE: A Family Affair and THREE: Monogamy Multiplied. Coming this month are THREE: The Thressome and THREE: Infidelity. Stay tuned!

Be sure to check back on Tuesday to learn more about Michelle Devon and for Mrs. Snark's review of Three: A Family Affair.

Original post found here


  1. Too funny...and too true.
    In regards to the dolls, I was watching one of those "Strange Addiction" shows and the man and his wife collected sex dolls. They were more like mannequins though (ie. not blow-up) and sold for upwards of a few thousand dollars. They didn't mind buying "used dolls", they simply gave them a bath after they bought them. Really?!?! I can't help but make a face even as I type this. LOL

    1. Charlotte,
      That's just...scary. Gross. Um...ick.

      The whole concept of inflatable farm animal sex dolls disturbs me even more though. LOL