Thursday, January 31, 2013

Mrs. Snark's Guide to the Super Bowl

Mr. Snark has been excitedly preparing for the biggest religious holiday of his year--the Super Bowl--so Mrs. Snark is going to take a break from humor today to assemble her notes. 

When Mr. and Mrs. Snark met, she knew nothing about footballs. However, over the last few years, she had made  various observations and learned much.


This is a football.

When a football is in use, the men on the TV screen are playing football. Different balls are used in baseball, basketball and hockey. 

Football positions are named for Backs and Buttocks.

Back Positions include: The Quarterback. The Halfback. The Threequarterback. The Fullback.

Buttock positions include: The Tight End. The Wide End. The Asshole. The End Zone.

The San Francisco Forty-Niners will be playing this weekend in the Super Bowl. Their uniforms are gold and red. Their uniform looks a lot like two other teams--the Cardinals and the dudes from New Orleans. In a few years, the SF Forty-Niners will become the Santa Clara Forty-Niners when the new stadium is finished.

The enemy is the Ravens. Their uniforms will have different colors so the two teams may be told apart. 

Note to self: Google images of ravens.

More important note to self:  Other local teams include the Oakland Raiders and the SF Giants.  The Giants are not a football team.

Football has four innings called quarters. (Not to be mistaken for the Quarterback.)  In football, there are yard lines. The game starts on the fifty-yard line and ends on the zero-yard line when the team touches the ball down to the ground. Also, every play is played once in real time, and then replayed at least five more times in slow motion.

Go Niners!

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