How to Feed a Teenaged Boy by Michelle Devon
Listen to the boy whine for at least 40 minutes about how hungry he is, while you tell him repeatedly that there is food in the kitchen if he’s hungry.
Remind teenaged boy that you bought Easy Mac for him in the cabinet for moments just like this, when he was hungry but it wasn’t dinnertime.
Listen to teenaged boy whine about how he isn’t in the mood for Easy Mac.
Tell teenaged boy that if he’s not in the mood for Easy Mac, he can make himself a grilled cheese sammich instead.
Listen to teenaged boy whine about how he doesn’t want to make a grilled cheese sammich.
Remind the boy that he can have Easy Mac is he doesn’t want grilled cheese.
Listen to teenaged boy whine some more about how there’s nothing to eat in the house, right before he asks if he can have your meal that you planned to eat for lunch.
Grit your teeth and give teenaged boy ‘the look.’
Watch teenaged boy put his hands up in the air and say, “Okay, okay, I’ll make some Easy Mac.”
Wait 10 minutes and then get up and go scrape the Easy Mac off the roof of the microwave while trying to maintain composure amidst the cries from the teenage boy that, “I only set it on 5 minutes….”
Listen to teenaged boy who didn’t bother to help you clean the microwave whine because, “I’m still huuuuuungry….” Do this at least three or four times for about 15 minutes, before you finally snap and growl….
“Then make yourself a grilled cheese sandwich!”
Wait 20 minutes and asked the teenaged boy, “What’s that burning smell coming from the kitchen?”
Watch teenaged boy run into the kitchen and yell, “Oh, crap!”
Put the fire out in the kitchen.
Clean the kitchen.
Sit at the computer and fight back tears.
Order a pizza.
Wait 45 minutes for pizza to come.
Stiff driver on part of his tip because he was rude and didn’t bring any Parmesan cheese.
Smile and give the pizza to the boy. Wait two minutes.
Try not to hit the roof when you hear, “But I wanted Canadian bacon, not pepperoni.”
Grit your teeth and say ever so sweetly, “You’ll eat what I got you or starve.”
Wait 40 minutes.
Ask teenaged boy four different times over a 20 minute period to pick up the pizza box and pizza crusts from the floor.
Repeat step 25.
Repeat step 25
Repeat step 25
Repeat step 17
Wait another 15 minutes, get up and pick up the pizza box and crusts yourself.
Vow never to buy pizza for the boy again.
And that, my dear friends, is the quick and painless way to feed a hungry teenaged boy in 31 easy steps. Sadly, that is mostly a true story.
For those who have asked after me, I have not been feeling well again. It’s ongoing, but hey, I’m up and about, so that’s better than some days. Hope you enjoyed the fun and laughter. I love you all, I need you all, and I’m so glad you are all my online virtual (and some of you not so virtual) friends!
Leave me a comment though, or else I might have to threaten to never buy you pizza again too. I’m finicky that way.
Love and stuff,
Check out Michelle Devon's blog or drop in and comment on her online community at Accentuate Writer's Forum.