In the event...

I worry about everything. I worry about toilets overflowing and flooding my house. I worry about whether the kids will run out of milk before I can get to the store. I worry about stock markets, and buying the right length of shoe laces. 

I worry about dying while I'm out and leaving a houseful of clueless men and a baby alone.

As a result, I write detailed instructions about what the guys should do in the event of my death.

Dear Mr. Snark,

I am going to Costco. In the event that the "Big One" hits while I am out, burying me in an avalanche of dehydrated beans, then there are some things you need to know.

• The cats actually expect to be fed every single day of the week. Not just the off Saturday when you happen to trip over one of the beasts on your way to the refrigerator. 

• Laundry does not, in fact, wash itself.  The machines are found in the small room attached to the garage, which is not actually a place to toss your shoes when you take them off. Machine operation manuals should be available on the Internet. Watch Youtube videos on Laundry Skills 101 in order to grasp the basic concept and you should be good to go!

•  It is okay to remarry but please wait until I've been gone at least two months. I do not wish Miss Bear to grow up to be a potty-mouthed, whiskey-drinking loose woman like you see in those movies. Little girls need a mommy.

•  Also, my replacement should not be younger than my current age minus ten years, or weigh less than I do, or be prettier than I am.

Love you always,

Mrs. Snark