Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Gee, I Could Have Told Them That

Mr. Snark snores.

Now, we're not talking the occasional snarf-snort. The man produces a sound similar to a freight train lumbering along with a hundred cars in tow. 

Over the years, Mrs. Snark has resorted to sleeping with her head sandwiched between two pillows, preferring suffocation to another sleepless night. She has used tooth picks to prop open her eyelids and actively contemplated homicide. In prison, there would be plenty of time to sleep.

About six months ago, Mrs. Snark made Mr. Snark an appointment with their primary care physician. "Tell him you have sleep apnea," she said. "You need one of those breathing machines."

Dutifully, Mr. Snark went off with his instructions and returned with a referral to a sleep specialist. Another appointment was made and the Snarks waited a month. On the day of the big appointment, Mrs. Snark said, "Tell him you have sleep apnea," she said. "You need one of those breathing machines."

Off Mr. Snark went and returned saying, "The doctor ordered a sleep study. But first we have to obtain permission from the insurance company."

Riiight. And so the Snarks waited again. Finally, the insurance company green lighted the sleep study and then the Snarks waited some more. At long last, the sleep study center called to schedule an appointment.

The evening of the big event arrived and Mr. Snark kissed his wife and baby girl goodbye as he traveled far to sleep in some strange bed. "Tell them you have sleep apnea," Mrs. Snark said. "You need one of those breathing machines."

Bleary-eyed, Mr. Snark returned the next morning. "They poured goo in my hair and attached electrodes to my head."

Thanks to holiday madness and a busy time at work, Mr. Snark missed his first follow up appointment with the sleep study doctor. A second appointment was scheduled and kept.

"Well?" Mrs. Snark said when he returned.

"He says that I have sleep apnea. I need one of those breathing machines."

Mrs. Snark's hand performed a face plant.

Mr. Snark continued: "We just have to wait for permission from the insurance company."



  1. When he gets on the machine, you'll probably have to get used to sleeping in the quiet.

    1. Hey, no spoilers for tomorrow's post! ;-)