Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Cat Physics 102

Law of Open Portals:  When presented with any kind of open doorway or window, cats will be irresistibly drawn through the portal whether the feline wishes to go or not. This force does not appear to affect either people or objects, only cats.

Case in point: when the Snark family room sliding glass door opens, all three of the family cats are sucked through into the back yard.  The force at work appears to have the greatest affect on the least massive feline.  

Invariably, Rocket Squirrel, the skinniest of the three cats, goes first. In fact, much like his namesake, Rocket experiences a high rate of acceleration and explodes into the outdoors, departing in a blur to parts unknown.

A short time later, Jake, the second heaviest animal, is pulled through, although usually at a much slow speed. Finally, Clio, the fat gray kitty, is sluggishly sucked outside and deposited on the patio in a furry heap.

Desire to remain inside does not appear to negate the irresistible pull of the open portal. Although all three cats always wind up going through, at least one of the felines winds up sitting on the other side of the patio door.

The cat stares soulfully through the glass with huge emo eyes. How did I get out here?
she seems to ask. Why, oh why, am I outside where there is fresh air and sunshine?

Help me! Please, help me!

Opening the portal a second time usually results in an opposite but not equal reaction. One cat will return, maybe two, but never all three.

An important and notable exception to the Law of Open Portals appears to exist, which Mrs. Snark has not been able to adequately explain.

Miss Bear appears to be affected by the same force as the Snark family cats. When a door is opened, Miss Bear winds up outside.

Logically, I must conclude either Miss Bear is a cat or the law is incomplete.

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