The laws of physics as applied to cats. Originally posted here.
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest
will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force -
such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move
in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers
and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness
of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from
a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows
to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch
to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must
sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for
the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make
her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything
remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate
at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend
all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain
in its naturally flat state, for very long.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance
varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that
energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as
little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know
that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches
a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something
good to eat.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric
blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will will
always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and
boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation
rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink
his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire
to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always
land in the softest place possible.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed
in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest
level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends
in trying to interest him.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given
to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed
of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat
can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can't hear a simple
command three feet away.
Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in
a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant
from the center of the room.
Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that
if they can't see you, then you can't see them.
Law of Space-Time Continuum
time, a cat will land in just about any space.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat's mass
increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
Law of Cat Probability (Cat's
It is not possible
to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she "might"
Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
My research has led to a newly discovered law of cat physics. Tomorrow I will be talking about how the gravity of open portals affects cats...