Things in erotic fiction are always hard...except when they're soft. They're wet, supple, burgeoning, erect...you get the picture.
What they seldom are is funny.
A few years ago, I recall reading an amateur fiction account of a lovemaking session where the clueless male determinedly groped for the woman's clitoris deep inside her vagina. You see, the budding author had mistakenly swapped out the poor lady's clit with her G-spot. Maybe it was an honest mistake, or maybe he'd merely seen Deep Throat one too many times and grown confused.
Whatever the case, my friends and I laughed until we howled, and then we cried. To my eternal regret, I no longer have a copy of that particular scene because it was truly priceless.
I've never forgotten that experience, and it has shaped my writing ever since. I strive to bring at least a degree of anatomical accuracy to my sex scenes. Of course, I write paranormal fiction where a 180-pound man can shift to a 250-pound beast, but I do try for honesty where I can manage it.
Now, I have a confession to make: I'm sitting on a finished manuscript, too scared to submit it to my publisher, because I'm terrified that my Scarlet line editor will die laughing.
I admitted as much in a Wild Rose chat and Rhonda Penders, Editor-in-Chief at The Wild Rose Press aka "The Boss", offered advice to the effect:
"Don't worry. Angela would never laugh, not to your face anyway."*
*Not a direct quote! I'm paraphrasing, loosely.
You see, The Mating Game, a paranormal erotic story about werewolves, contains a threesome. Writing it was a clit-in-vagina experience for me. I didn't really know what I was doing and I would simply feel terrible if an unsuspecting editor died of a laughter-induced stroke or heart attack.
Most of the time when real life experience fails, I use my vivid imagination to fill in the blanks. Or I simply drag a very happy Mr. Snark into the bedroom, explaining,
"We must have sex. I need to do research."
"Well, it's a sacrifice but I do what I can for the sake of science," Mr. Snark says.
Unfortunately, the scene in question involves the M/F/M dynamic. If asked to cooperate in an experiment, Mr. Snark would no doubt doubt sputter, turn red, and reply, "No f*cking way!"
If it involved two girls and a guy, Mr. Snark would be a happy camper. But since I can't go back and rewrite it as F/M/F, I'm stuck and so is my poor heroine...
Right there between one hard place...ahem...and another.