Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Probably not PG-13

Things in erotic fiction are always hard...except when they're soft. They're wet, supple, burgeoning, erect...you get the picture.

What they seldom are is funny.

A few years ago, I recall reading an amateur fiction account of a lovemaking session where the clueless male determinedly groped for the woman's clitoris deep inside her vagina. You see, the budding author had mistakenly swapped out the poor lady's clit with her G-spot. Maybe it was an honest mistake, or maybe he'd merely seen Deep Throat one too many times and grown confused.

Whatever the case, my friends and I laughed until we howled, and then we cried. To my eternal regret, I no longer have a copy of that particular scene because it was truly priceless.

I've never forgotten that experience, and it has shaped my writing ever since. I strive to bring at least a degree of anatomical accuracy to my sex scenes. Of course, I write paranormal fiction where a 180-pound man can shift to a 250-pound beast, but I do try for honesty where I can manage it.

Now, I have a confession to make: I'm sitting on a finished manuscript, too scared to submit it to my publisher, because I'm terrified that my Scarlet line editor will die laughing. 

I admitted as much in a Wild Rose chat and Rhonda Penders, Editor-in-Chief at The Wild Rose Press aka "The Boss", offered advice to the effect:

"Don't worry. Angela would never laugh, not to your face anyway."*

"Gee, thanks."

*Not a direct quote! I'm paraphrasing, loosely.


You see, The Mating Game, a paranormal erotic story about werewolves, contains a threesome. Writing it was a clit-in-vagina experience for me. I didn't really know what I was doing and I would simply feel terrible if an unsuspecting editor died of a laughter-induced stroke or heart attack.

Most of the time when real life experience fails, I use my vivid imagination to fill in the blanks. Or I simply drag a very happy Mr. Snark into the bedroom, explaining, 

"We must have sex. I need to do research."

"Well, it's a sacrifice but I do what I can for the sake of science," Mr. Snark says.

Unfortunately, the scene in question involves the M/F/M dynamic. If asked to cooperate in an experiment, Mr. Snark would no doubt doubt sputter, turn red, and reply, "No f*cking way!"

If it involved two girls and a guy, Mr. Snark would be a happy camper.  But since I can't go back and rewrite it as F/M/F, I'm stuck and so is my poor heroine... 

Right there between one hard place...ahem...and another.

12 comments:

  1. haha. Great post! I know someone who is anxiously awaiting that scene too :)

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    1. I'm on it, I'm on it! Right now as a matter of fact. :D

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  2. Well, there are freelance editors who would look at it for a nominal fee. I actually know of one or two, one of which is an erotic editor. But I think it would be a good laugh to find a clit in the vagina! Also a scientific anomaly... *snort*

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    1. Calisa,
      If I were to go freelance, I'd probably self-pub. I spent some time soul-searching and realized that I'm more comfortable taking the erotica through a traditional publisher. :)

      Lord, but I wish that I still had a copy of it! I can't remember a time I've laughed so hard. *G*

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  3. Hi Miss Snark,

    Great post. Ooh your poor hubby, what a treasure that man is, making such sacrifices.

    cheers

    Margaret

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    1. Margaret, Why yes, Mr. Snark is a real treasure. I say that ALL the time. :D

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  4. Great post, Melissa. If Mr. Snark would allow a blow-up male as a third, maybe he could handle the 3 D experiment. Air-man could be Mr. Snark's alter ego. Mr. Snark could name the fellow and give him a fantastical fantasy to 'play out.' I'm just saying THIS COULD WORK! :-) Have fun! Rolynn

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    1. Rolynn,
      Goodness, I think my ears are red and for me, that's an accomplishment. *G*

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  5. Great Post! My hubby loves the "research" part too. It's a tough role to play, but it does keep them involved and feeling part of the overall process.

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    1. Anne, LOL. You said "roleplay". Now the old wheels are turning. Wouldn't it be fun to hand the DH a script and explain that you need help with a scene. He just needs to read the hero's part. *G*

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  6. Not sure if reading research helps you, but the first erotica I read was just such a scenario (without the paranormal) and very well written. Here is the link to it on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004477ZLW/ref=docs-os-doi_0 . I'd offer to lend it to you, but I've managed somehow to lose it. I think I may have deleted it in my horror that I had read such a thing, wow things have changed. Anyway, being single with no current prospects (not that I'm really looking) I have to rely on what is written for my own inspiration. Hope this helps.
    Laura B

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    1. Thanks, Laura, I will check it out. Maybe it'll help me to see how someone else handled it right. :)

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