Monday, March 25, 2013

The Quickie

The funniest thing about men is how excited the male animal gets about sex. Now, if you want to see something amusing, wait until a lazy weekend afternoon and ease up beside your spouse. Lean in close and whisper into his ear: 

"I've been writing sex scenes for the last hour. Want to sneak upstairs for a quickie?"

My husband lights up like a Christmas tree. His legs form a whir and he's gone before the dust settles. I haven't seen him move so fast since the last time Miss Bear tried to bolt into traffic. (Although, granted, this is a common enough occurrence.)

I suspect that quickie sex is the favorite sex of married men. It requires the least work on his part, and he can be done in two-to-three minutes and claim: "We were supposed to be quick. I was just doing my part."

Now, if you intend to join him, then get upstairs quick. Ignore unfolded laundry, dirty dishes and the overflowing trash. If you delay too long, you may discover he's finished without you.

Mr. Snark takes off his clothing so fast, he doesn't even notice there are no sheets on the bed because it is laundry day. Completely naked, he puts his hands on his hips and scowls. "We have to go get sheets and make the bed," he says.

"No time. Just throw a blanket across the mattress. First rule of quickie sex: don't talk about quickie sex. Just do it. Second rule of quickie sex, don't delay or the napping baby will awaken and it'll all be over before it begins."

Of course, this makes for a great April Fool's Day joke too.  Just be sure you have a good excuse handy for why you didn't make it upstairs. "I'm sorry, dear. I got distracted by <<insert chore he hasn't performed>> and I forgot you were up here. Of course, I'm not in the mood anymore but we can have sex if you'd like to spend an hour on foreplay."