Sunday, February 17, 2013

The Happily Ever After List by Mac Crowne



 As a young woman, I stood before the mirror in my childhood bedroom, admiring my oh-so-cool leg warmers and putting the finishing touches on my “big” hair. That brand new phenomenon, MTV, blared in the background while I primped for nights on the town with my girlfriends, giddy at the idea of spending the night dancing like it was 1999. Ah, the music, the excitement… the boys! The possibility of that night being the night I would finally meet The One and live happily ever after!

But alas, time passes quickly. Mom jeans have replaced the leg warmers and the hair, which is not so big anymore, would be liberally streaked with gray - if I didn’t beat it into submission once a month with a box of Nice-’n-Easy. As for happily ever after, yeah, I still believe in the concept. After all, I did eventually meet The One, and this year we’ll be celebrating thirty years of wedded bliss.

Hah! Chances are those of you who have been married longer than the length of the honeymoon are raising an eyebrow at the word bliss, because let’s face it, bliss is hard to come by when faced with the day to day realities of marriage. Honestly, is any woman blissful when picking up their One’s boxers from the bathroom floor? There have been many occasions in the past thirty years when I looked at The One and imagined myself as one of the Merry Murderesses from Broadway’s Chicago, declaring He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times!

Yeah, I know. I’m weird. But I’m a writer. I can’t help imagining delicious scenarios I can never follow through on - unless I’m willing to do time. And if you’ve been married as long as The One and I have, admit it. You’ve imagined some of those scenarios yourself. So, what’s the secret to a successful marriage and happily ever after? There’s the popular list: Respect, give and take, communication, and commitment - but I have my own list. 

1. Know when to stand your ground.
2. Maintain your sense of humor.
And…
3. Develop the art of subtle revenge.

Now, despite the Merry Murderesses reference, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. The One and I rarely disagree, much less fight. The One claims this is because we’re friends as well as lovers. I attribute the usual peacefulness of our relationship to my aversion to conflict. I hate fighting and avoid it whenever possible. But The One is a guy, which means he occasionally does something so ridiculous, it simply can’t be ignored. When that happens, I survive the explosive fall out by sticking to my list. Case in point:

After accidentally dousing his sandwich with a heaping pile of pepper not long ago, The One promptly tossed the pepper shaker into the trash, announcing, “I’m sick of this d*%@ thing!” 

Seriously, he threw away the pepper shaker! Who throws away a pepper shaker? I mean, come on. It’s an innocent, inanimate object. If you have a problem with it, it’s a pretty sure bet the trouble is user error. Besides, it’s part of a set!

#1: Know when to stand your ground. “Well then,” I responded. “We don’t need this!”

Into the trash can went the salt shaker. Take that, buddy! I swear, his hair stood on end. He pinned me with narrowed eyes as he grabbed the first thing within reach. The tea kettle joined the innocent salt and pepper shakers in their absurd fate.

And  hello. Game on!

Dirty dishes and clean ones, silverware and countertop items, including a few small appliances, nothing escaped the whirlwind of angry passion gripping The One and me. Five minutes later, with a fine cloud of flour hanging in the air, sanity suddenly grabbed hold of me. Okay, the truth is I came to my senses when we couldn’t fit anything more in the trash can. I glanced around at the damage, but there was no way I could apply #2 at that moment. I was too ticked off! The man threw away a two hundred dollar blender, for heaven’s sake, and my kitchen looked like it had been ransacked! Because it had.

#3b: Add knowing when to utilize a cooling off period to the list. Sometimes getting away from your loving spouse is the only way to avoid doing time after all - with the added bonus of allowing you to regroup and come up with a workable plan for that subtle revenge I mentioned. I promptly went for a drive.

While I have my list, The One has his own. It consists of only two items. He believes in the power of persistence, and if that doesn’t work, he turns immediately to his own form of bribery. He’s such a guy. But I have to admit, he’s got skills when it comes to the suck-up gift - and he knows when to bring in reinforcements. The next morning, he enlisted our teenage boys in his ploy to charm me out of my mad. They disappeared for an hour and returned with a tiger striped kitten they claimed to have found foraging for food in a downtown parking lot.

Talk about a double whammy! I was toast and he knew it. But I ask you, how is a woman supposed to stay mad under those circumstances? It would take a much harder woman than me, that’s for sure. As we shared our morning coffee, his suck up gift lay curled up asleep in my lap.

“What are you going to name her?” he asked, looking far too smug for my liking.

I haven’t lived with the man for thirty years without knowing how to nip that kind of thing in the bud. I scratched at the kitten’s soft chin, smiled sweetly and replied, “Pepper, of course.”

Oh, please. You didn’t think I was going to forget #2 and 3, did you?  

So here’s my happily ever after advice. Stand your ground. A good man loves a woman who knows her mind. Laugh with him as much as possible, and learn the art of subtle revenge. You might just get a kitten out of it.

When Mac isn’t busy working on her own happily ever after, she spends her time weaving  HEAs for her characters, like Meggy Calhoun, the heroine of her latest contemporary romance, The Billionaire’s Con.

 Meggy Calhoun has too much on her plate to explore the shocking revelations in her birth mother’s letter. The success of Boston’s hottest new restaurant rests squarely on her shoulders, and her fascination with her hunky new tenant promises to take up all of her free time.

Trevor Bryce Christos would do anything to protect the woman who raised him; including seducing a beautiful con artist disguised as a chef, and bent on cashing in on his family’s wealth.

Under the microscope of small town interest, Meggy’s and Trevor’s opposing agendas soon have the townsfolk choosing sides, and betting on who will be the first to surrender the field, and their heart.



For more information on The Billionaire’s Con, as well as Mac’s other titles, visit her at mackenziecrowne.com, Twitter or Facebook.

53 comments:

  1. Try again since first one doesn't seem to hold. Good Post Mac and understand completely about standing your ground. I did love the "Pepper" thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ;-) Pepper was the sweetest suck up gift he ever came up with, Patsy. Unfortunately, being half wild, she used up her nine lives in only three years, trolling the desert behind our house, but she charmed me every day while she was with us.

      Delete
  2. Sound advice all round - especially the nice and easy once a month - now that could be misunderstood : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Maddy. A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste! ;-) Gotta love youth in a box.

      Delete
  3. Love this post! Will have to take that list under advice for a few characters I know! *evil cackle*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like how you think, Margaret. I keep that list in mind for all my heroines, because who doesn't love a smartass, er smart woman?

      Delete
  4. I loved this, Mac. Your awesomeness as a writer shows up in your posts, too. Ladies, make sure you read A BILLIONARE'S CON. It's a sigh-worthy story. Hugs, darlin'...and one for Pepper, too. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mac you are a riot! What works for me is not talking to him. It kills him and he will apologize even when he knows he's right! He knows if he threw my stuff away, it would not bode well for him. And he loves pepper the more the better. So send me the old pepper shaker and I will send you a pepper mill so his highness can take or as little as he likes! :0)
    But, I like your approach!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I bow to your superior skills, Mary. I'm too much of a big mouth to pull off the silent treatment. I have to rely on more subtle tactics. And you know I rescued that pepper shaker. It sits in a prominent position on the counter. He grinds his teeth every time he uses it these days. LOL 3b: Always have the last word. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I like your style, Mac, but I go for more immediate revenge. Once the counters were cleared I'd simply ask him to call the credit card company and have our limit increased. As long as I had to replace all those items I may as well redecorate. That would bring him to his knees in tears and begging forgiveness.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love your list, Mac! OG (short for Old Goat) and I are also celebrating our 30th anniversary this year, and I'm with you all the way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Way to go, Alison! Isn't is wild to find you're sleeping with an old guy, and you're perfectly okay with it? Sheesh. Go figure.

      Delete
  9. *giggle* I think we're still kind of in the honeymoon phase, but I'll file for future reference ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Excellent, Stephanie. The honeymoon phase rocks, but what rocks eventually rolls. It's best to have a good plan in place for when the rose colored glasses start to get scratched. :-)

      Delete
  10. Some great tips here Mac, loved the post. I haven't been married quite as long as you, although its getting there. but I'm still learning. The silent treatment doesn't work with mine, he just carries on as normal and it doesn't phase him at all. I may have to try the throwing things in the trash routine myself! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It ridiculous but liberating, Lyn. And it makes for a great story at parties. ;-)

      Delete
  11. ha ha!!! loved this post :) I've been married for eight years...our fights are borderline stupid. I blame it on my husband. He refuses to fight with me! I sometimes find I am doing things simply because I know it will annoy him. He sometimes tells me I need to grow up...rightly so. ha!

    ReplyDelete
  12. LOL Neicey. Most fights are borderline stupid. I'm ah... thinking I'm like your husband. I refuse to fight, but sometimes his shit just hits me at the right time, like a perfect storm, and look out! When I embrace the stupidity, we end up trashing the kitchen or some other such nonsense. But that's okay, especially if I end up with a cat. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mac, I LOVED this post. Especially in lieu of all the Valentine's hub-bub. Yes, I love my husband and plan to spend the next 50+ years married to him (he owns my heart as sure as the sun breaks over the flat Indiana horizon every morning), but boy oh boy, sometimes I am ready to spit nails. During one such time many years ago, my mother gave me a very sage piece of advice. "Oh, honey, you're not going to love your husband EVERY day you're married to him. Just most of them." LOL I now remember this whenever the screeching starts. Well, that and I'd like to add one more item to your list. I employ the silent treatment, but I couple it with skimpy clothing. I walk around pissed in lingerie. I'm tellin ya ladies, this will win your argument EVERY TIME!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ROFL. Okay, you win! That's brilliant. Hell, forget the cat. That tactic will gain me diamonds!! *Rewriting my list*

      Delete
    2. Oh, AJ, I've done this, too. I've run wth vacuum during angry husband's football games, wearing my skimpy red teddy and those Victorian Secret mules/stilettos with the feathery stuff over the top of the foot. Revenge comes in many forms. LOL

      Delete
    3. Evil geniuses! I feel so inadequate now. Waaaaaaaa!

      Delete
  14. ROFLOLOLOL. That's outstanding, Vonnie! Whoot! You go girl. Men are such simple creatures, really. Bless their hearts, it's not very hard to figure them out. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  15. OMG. Mac, your post had me cracking up. I'm picturing the two of you shoving stuff in the trash can. This discussion is hilarious. You all have devious minds. All right. I have a confession. I've tried the lingerie tactic. My husband looked at me like I'd gone mad and asked me if I was cold. He calls it fancy underwear and he's completely impervious to it. I used to wonder if it was me, but he's a good boy. He doesn't so much as blink an eye around other women.

    I employ the silent treatment. Works every time. He's a talker, so he cannot stand when I ignore him. Which is really funny, because he and I don't yell. When he's mad he ignores me. But he hates when I turn it around him.

    Fantastic post, Mac!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "My husband looked at me like I'd gone mad and asked me if I was cold."

      Stop! I'm gonna pee my pants! ROFL Okay, Joanne, you're going to have to pull out the big guns. Oh, Vonnie and AJ, we need some ideas for big guns! ;-P

      Delete
    2. Joanne, what about something warmer? I once...(looks over my shoulder)...I once took an old flannel nightgown and cut out holes, one for each boob, and a giant one in the back for my more than ample bottom. DH was in a snit. I brought him a dish of ice cream and slapped it onto the coffee table before returning to the kitchen. His head nearly swivveled off. He followed me and what happened cannot be written in this rather public space. Just allow me to say he later--much later--had to wipe up the melted ice cream off the counter and floor. Never allow a man to get ahead of you, ladies. Keep him churned up...

      Delete
    3. Vonnie, I think I'm going to pee my pants.

      Delete
  16. Oh, I can relate to your comment 'he ran into my knife 10 times' your honour!!! My fingers were itching for the kitchen knife, just this past Saturday. Since then my Mr A has been extra playful and smiley 'honey this and honey that'. I play the cool card for a couple of days, he hates it, then the make up sex is great!! :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well there ya go. Make up sex is the best revenge. Although, I often tell The One since they have libraries in prison I should be able to exist there just fine. So he'd better watch out. ;-)

      Delete
  17. I am in the presence of geniuses! 30 years coming for me and the old boy here, too. Anything sex related wins. Every time! I love the list and the amended list.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm madly scribbling notes at the edges of my list. And whoot on the 30 years. Sheesh, we're like twins!

      Delete
    2. Now I'm scribbling and peeing my pants too! I just saw Joanne's comment and Vonnie's solution! OMG!!

      We're 30 on Sept 6th. :) Happy 30 to you both and Alison too!

      Delete
  18. Fantastic, Mac. You had me laughing all the way through. Almost as much fun as your books!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww Aren't you sweet. Glad I gave you a laugh. The One and I still laugh over the pepper incident. Okay, I laugh harder cause I got the last laugh.

      Delete
  19. Loved your post. I was smiling and chuckling 'cause I could totally relate. lol I'll be married 28yrs at the end of March. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Power plays are universal in successful marriages, aren't they, Karen? And so it seems, is laughter. Congrats on surviving 28 years. ;-)

      Delete
  20. Hey, I heard the laughter all the way to CA! Couldn't wait to learn what was going on at Mac's! I've been married for 42 years; you'd think I'd come up with a list as good as Mac's or a lingerie strategy or a cut-holes-for boobs-out-of-the-pajamas tactic (courtesy of Vonnie). Lots to learn on the TWRP loops, and I'm not talking about writing. Better, I laugh so hard my stomach hurts! And I wish I'd met AJ's mother a long time ago...what a wise woman! Keep those ideas comin'...I'm writing them all down!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hell, Rolynn, with 42 years under your belt, it sounds like you've got it figured out, without a list! * bowing down before an expert* And I agree, the roses are a constant source of knowledge and laughter. How the heck did I get so lucky to belong to such a group?

      Delete
  21. Thanks for a good dose of giggles in the midst of having a wicked flu!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awwww. I hope the giggles didn't make you cough! I'm still getting over that wicked flu so you have my utmost sympathy.

      Delete
  22. Pepper! Ha! I think if I were mad enough my husband may have eaten that blender... only on a particularly bad day of the month thought. Otherwise, we would have started laughing somewhere near the plates.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Believe me, Jennifer, I thought about feeding him that blender. That was when I went for the ride.

      Delete
  23. Definitely so to the point, Mac. Great post! I'm going on 39 years married and that's scary! Give and take!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Super post, Mac, and oh, the comments! I had to put my coffee cup down for safety's sake! Hubs and I have the big 2-0 coming up this year, and while we don't fight much, when we do, I eat a lot of bananas. Slowly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear, Melissa. *scrolling back. not a banana in the bunch* Okay, I'm afraid to ask. Wait, no I'm not. Bananas? :-/

      Delete
    2. Yes, well, you know...bananas. Take one in your hand. Grip it firmly - gently but firmly. Peel it slowly. Eye contact. Put it in your mouth. Bite. Pull it out. Repeat. Embellish as necessary. Works every time ;)

      And p.s. - I LOVE you libraries in prison comment!

      Delete
    3. Oh. Oh my, that would work wouldn't it. Where's my list. LOL Oh yeah. Those prison libraries keep the door open for my potential life of crime. ;-)

      Delete