Monday, September 2, 2013

A Male Conspiracy

August 26th is Mrs. Snark's favorite time of the year, topping both Thanksgiving and New Year. It is the time of great joy and happy Snoopy dances, when both of the precious and incredibly annoying Snark boys return to school.

Stress precedes this glorious event. Mrs. Snark worries about every conceivable thing that may be of consequence. She drags children shopping for new shoes, purges closets of clothing that no longer fits and makes shopping lists of school supplies for weeks in advance.  Bus schedules are checked, checks written, and backpacks locked and loaded.

Each child receives a map of their school with classrooms highlighted and
corresponding periods handwritten next to locations. She circles  the cafeteria in bright yellow so her hapless male offspring don't perish of starvation due to their hereditary Male Pattern Blindness.

The night before, Mrs. Snark gave Mr. Snark a mission. "Please set the Middle Child's alarm clock to seven."

"Will do." Mr. Snark accepted the alarm clock thrust toward him and set off to accomplish the ONLY thing he'd been asked to do.

Trusting fool that she was, Mrs. Snark went to bed without double-checking. She spent a restless night tossing and turning, dreaming of late arrivals and angry teachers.

In the morning, The Middle Child's alarm blared down the hall and her feet hit the carpet. With the urgency of a fire fighter, she rushed through dressing and sped downstairs, banging on doors and shouting for the whole house to awaken.

It was 5A.M.

"Why is the boy's alarm going off at 5A.M.?" Mrs. Snark demanded shrilly of Mr. Snark. "I said 7."

Per Mr. Snark, his conversation with The Middle Child went like this:

"What time do you want me to set the alarm for?"


"Really? 5A.M."

"Yes. 5A.M."

The present...

"It didn't occur to you that he wanted to get up two hours early so he could play video games or that he needed those two hours of sleep?" Mrs. Snark asked.

Mr. Snark shrugged.

Not to be outdone, the eldest Snark boy set out for the bus stop for his first day of high school. 

"Do you know where to meet the bus?" Mrs. Snark asked.


Almost forty minutes later, Mrs. Snark found the following texts on her phone:

Mrs. Snark panicked. "The Boy missed the bus! Why would he text my cell phone instead of calling the house! The bus stop is one block away! Why wouldn't he have come home?"

Mr. Snark: "Have you tried to call him?"

Mrs. Snark: "I'm doing that now!"

The Boy: Did not answer his phone.

Mrs. Snark (hyperventilating): "He's not answering! I'm texting him!"

"I'm going to the bus stop!" Mrs. Snark shouted and ran out of the house wearing frizzy bedhead, PJs and a pair of flip flops.

Time passed. Mrs. Snark returned home and the Middle Child was dropped at school. The whole time, Mrs. Snark clutched her phone, watching for incoming texts.

Mr. Snark: "Why don't you call the high school to see if he arrived?"

"I don't want to seem like an over-anxious mother."

Mr. Snark rolled his eyes.

Mrs. Snark called: "Hi, my teenage son never got on the bus. Can you tell me if he ever made it to school?"

School Loud Speaker: "Could the Freshman Snark boy please report to the principal's office? Your mother is worried about you."

As it happens, The Boy was actually the first kid to arrive in class.

Mr. Snark: "Serves him right. Next time, he'll answer the texts."


  1. This just killed me. I'm picking myself up off the floor now.

    1. Thanks, Alison! And yes, I often find myself floored after dealing with these men on a daily basis. Amazing, aren't they?